Hey everyone! I hope you all had an amazing Father's Day! Today I wanted to talk about what it's like living with Emetophobia. It's not as difficult or as easy as you would think. At quick glance, you can't tell the difference between someone who has Emetophobia and someone who doesn't. It's all in the way they act. Most of them have some anxiety and panic disorders. They tend to be more on edge and aware of their surroundings. When sitting in a room they may look around and see where they can go if they feel like they need to get sick or if someone else does. I know when I'm in a classroom I like to look around and find the trash can. I then mark it in my mind and see if there is a way I can avoid it if someone gets sick in it. So for example, my old math class. It was on of the few math classrooms that only had one door and there happened to be a trash can right next to it. So if someone was getting sick in it, I wouldn't be able to exit through the door because I'd be too panicky. My next instinct was to check the windows. There were about 6 windows lining the right side of the room but 2 of them were being covered by a bookshelf. I then noticed that the 2 windows closest to me had iron bars on the outside of them so I wouldn't be able to get threw them. I decided the other 2 were my only option of getting out if someone was throwing up in that trash can. I'm not too sure if other people do that or if it's just me though.
Another thing I'm known to do is constantly check and see if something is okay for me to watch. I've already talk about how I found an awesome site that tells me if someone gets sick in a movie and that has been a total lifesaver! I used to have to rely on my dad's memory and a lot of the time that lets me down. I know he doesn't mean to give me a panic attack, it's just hard to remember sometimes. Especially because he likes to show us stuff from his childhood and I highly doubt he's going to remember something from like 30 years ago. (He's 39 by the way). So ya, that site has been amazing. The only thing is it doesn't help me with TV shows. So I try to be very careful with what shows I watch but sometimes it catches me off guard. I can usually tell when someone might get sick because I'm super sensitive to the warning signs but sometimes it gets me. Like I was binge watching the show Attack on Titan and at one point someone just randomly throws up. My brother had seen that episode before so I once again trusted that he would tell me but he also forgot. It happens man. I cried a little bit but I kept watching the show because my brother kept yelling at me and said it was my fault because I took too long to watch it. I also used to watch Total Drama Island all the time. I never had a problem with people getting sick in it because I knew it was fake but as my fear progressively started to get worse, I wasn't able to watch it anymore. I slowly started to get back into it again and now I'm attempting to watch Total Drama Pahkitew Island but it's hard for me. I'm not quite watching them in order because my brother is trying to get me to watch the ones he knows for sure no one gets sick in. So my Emetophobia has made it hard for me to enjoy shows I used to be really in to.
It's also really hard for me to hang out with friends and family. Vomiting is very uncontrollable and unpredictable. That's what really gets to me. I can constantly see someone getting sick on or around me. I'll be standing with a group of friends and my mind will start to go into panic mode. I'll be able to sit there and play out a scenario where they get sick everywhere. That's usually when I walk away. It tends to confuse my friends but I think they get it after a while. I also have 2 friends who like to smoke and drink a lot. Meaning they like to talk about how often they get super drunk and throw up everywhere. I usually check out at those times but sometimes I just leave because I don't know what else to do. I also don't go out with friends all too often. I tend to miss some really awesome oppurtunities because of it but I guess it's alright. I'm kinda used to it at this point.
I thank all who made it to the end! I'm running out of stuff to write about so anyone has any ideas that would be great! I'm also here to answer any questions. Just comment and I'll totally get to it! Thanks so much!
Monday, June 22, 2015
Sunday, June 21, 2015
Never Check Emetophobia Tag On Tumblr!
Today I'm going to be talking about the Emetophobia tag on Tumblr. I went on it one day hoping to find help or someone who understands what I've been going through but that's not at all what I found. Instead I found photos and gifs of people actually vomiting. Under the tag Emetophobia. Which to most people means, a fear of vomiting. Not enjoying every second of it. I went into another panic attack. I didn't know what to do. I tried to go to a place where I thought i could get help but all I found were things triggering me. I saw stuff that I remembered seeing when I had my first panic attack. The stupid Fart mask thing in Jackass. I just don't understand and I just wanted to help. I don't know where to go or what to do. I'm just really lost. Thanks for reading this and I'm really sorry it's so short. I just needed to get this out there.
Saturday, June 20, 2015
My Worst Experience (WARNING! Has detailed triggers!!)
Hey everyone. Before I can start talking about my worst experience with Emetophobia, I must give some background. I'm a part of my high school's marching and concert band. That is a 2 term class that you can take all 4 years of high school. This is where I spend most of my time, and it's how I met most of my friends. Well every year in April, we go on a Spring Trip. This is a 4 day trip we take to somewhere different each year. We go to San Francisco, San Diego, Anaheim, and Seattle. While we're there, we do all sorts of things! Go to amusement parks, museums, perform, hang out at the hotel, beach and all sorts of things. We all get really close while we're there. Well this all took place my sophomore year when we were in San Diego.
I still hadn't told anyone about my Emetophobia and I never really had the reason to. The only people who knew were my family and they didn't tell anyone. I had gone through my freshman year spring trip to San Francisco and had no problems, but this one was different. We were going to fly this time. I had been on a plane one other time and that was when I visited Oregon. I'm not afraid of planes and I never feel sick on them so I didn't have a problem with it. I was just worried about other people. I tried to make sure I sat next to people who didn't have motion sickness and have been on a plane before. I ended up sitting in the middle. My friend Carlee on my right and a total stranger on my left. Note that we have a really big band but we can't all fit on one plane or bus. So we always get 2 and we all sign up for which one we want to be on. I was on bus 1 and most of my really close friends were on bus 2. So I didn't really know who sit with. I wasn't all that worried about sitting by Carlee. I knew she had motion sickness but she's ridden on planes before so I trusted that I could sit with her. I was more worried about the stranger. I didn't know who he was or how he would respond to being on a plane. I started to get really anxious until my friend Carlee started showing me things in the weird Sky Mall thing and distracting me. She didn't know I had Emetophobia but I'm pretty sure she could tell I was uneasy. Eventually the dude sitting next to me passed out and didn't wake up until we landed. So I had a safe somewhat anxious trip there. Out of what I know, no one got sick. But oh boy is that going to change.
The whole trip was going super well. It was of course only the first day but it was awesome. I don't really remember what we did but I know it ended pretty well. The next day though... We had our actual competition that day so we had to wake up pretty early and get into our concert attire. We then all got on the buses and went to our destination. Concert order was: Jazz Band, Concert Band, Wind Ensemble (<<me), lunch then our choir. Well all the bands performed and we were going to have lunch. We had Subway. c: It was really good. Haha then we left that concert hall and went to where the choir was going to perform. The choir performed and we all went back to the hotel. My roommates and I were a little slow getting to our room and when we got in, we decided we were going to step out onto our balcony-like thing. Only to find someone had vomited from their balcony onto our balcony. And my friend Carlee was oh so lucky enough to accidentally put her hand in it. I was mortified. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should cry, or just brush it off. My eyes started to water but I tried to hold it back. I didn't want my Emetophobia to ruin my trip. Luckily, no one noticed but inside I was dying. I wanted to burst out crying but I couldn't. I did find out later that night when we went to the pool who threw up. Thanks Gavin.
The next day we were going to Sea World. That's where we have our awards ceremony. I decided I was going to hang out with one of my bestest friends Amanda and a couple others. This is when we all started to realize that the water down in San Diego is much different from the water where we live. This is the thing we believe people got sick from. But I believe it was dehydration. It's really hot and sunny in San Diego and people were refusing to drink the water because it tasted different. Not a whole lot happened during the day. We all went on rides and enjoyed our time together. At night we had the awards ceremony and we did super good! I don't remember off the top of my head what we got. After that, we got on the buses and went to the hotel. We just hung out in our hotel room for the rest of the night and played Cards Against Humanity.
The next day was the day we go home. So we had to wake up early-ish and pack up. We all had breakfast and one of our friends (Doran) came into our room and talked to us for a little while. He talked about how our friend Cole got up in the middle of the night and threw up all over the floor. I once again felt like crying but there wasn't anything I could do. I felt so trapped. I just went into the bathroom and tried to shake it off. I was able to get over it again and go on with the day. We did all the stuff we were going to do that day than went on the buses and headed for the airport. A couple people were talking about how they didn't feel good and that was terrifying for me. I was trying to drown them out though and hope to get home as quickly as I could. We got to the airport and went straight to the luggage check place. Since there were a whole bunch of us, we had to wait in a pretty long line. I was standing next to James on my left and Doran and his now ex-girlfriend Erin. James was on the phone and I could hear him talking about how he threw up twice on one of the nights. Woo I loved hearing that conversation. I was just trying to remain calm. It didn't help though that Erin said she wasn't feeling good and had to go sit outside. This is where everything starts to spiral out of control. All of bus 1 gets through security and are sitting on the ground and chairs by the gate we're supposed to leave out of. Erin and Doran were a little slow getting through security though because Erin wasn't feeling too hot. Doran eventually walked off to get her some water when all of a sudden she throws up all over the ground. Doran sees this and runs to her as fast as she can. People are running to her and making sure she's okay while I lose it. I had enough of people throwing up on the trip. I completely broke down. No one really understood why but I just turned into a total mess. I then explained it to people through my broken breathing. I didn't want all these people around me though. I wanted them to help Erin and make sure she was okay. She was my friend too and I really wanted to make sure she was okay. But I couldn't. My brain would tell me that anytime I get near her she'll throw up. They all rushed her to the bathroom and Doran came back asking if anyone had clothing that she could wear because she threw up all over hers. They then got her the clothes she needed and she came back out to hang with us because she was on my bus/plane. I was starting to calm down from my panic attack but I was still messed up. They wheel Erin out in a wheelchair because she's too weak to walk. They place her next to the chairs and boom. She throws up all over herself and the floor again. I can't fucking take it at this point. I'm lying on the floor crying and having another panic attack. They rush Erin back to the bathroom to get her cleaned up and we giver her more clothes to borrow. People have then learned to give me my space which isn't what I needed at that time. I desperately needed someone to talk to and help me. They then wheel Erin back to where we're sitting. She gets out of the wheelchair and sits with us but this time the stupid fucks finally give her a bucket! Now she won't hurl all over the floor! The bad part though is she's sitting in the row of chairs behind where I would be sitting if I wasn't on the floor. I finally work up the courage to get up and ask her if she's all right. She says yes and I quickly run back to my spot on the floor. I feel accomplished and happy that I was able to do that even if it was like a 4 second exchange. I started to get over my second panic attack when she starts throwing up again. I fucking shot up off that floor and took off in some random direction crying my eyes out. I see that they still haven't cleaned up her previous vomit off the floor and continue to walk in a circle trying to get over my third panic attack until my band teacher sees me and stops me. I could tell he was originally going to get mad at me because I wasn't in a group of 3 but that lightened up when he saw I was crying. I told him about my Emetophobia and that I didn't know how to get over it and that walking was helping me. He said okay but that I should be safe about it. I continued to burst out crying while desperately searching for my friend Amanda. She was on the other bus so she was seated somewhere else in the airport. I managed to find the other group but I couldn't find Amanda. I decided I didn't want to look dumb so I sat next to my friend Julia and talked to her for a bit. I explained my situation and she seemed sympathetic but I think I was interrupting so I left because I felt unwanted. I eventually had to go back to my group because our plane was going to leave soon and I didn't know when that was. When I returned Erin was still vomiting and was too sick to return with us. She would have to stay in San Diego for another night. Not too long after we started boarding the plane. This was also a magical experience for me.
I got on the plane and decided to sit next to 2 friends who I knew were feeling well and could handle planes. On my left was Menley and on my right was Carlee. And about 2 rows up was my band teacher and 2 parents. Everything was going fine. Menley was listening to music and Carlee was doing her own thing. I don't remember what that was. I was sitting there thinking about the previous events. Little did I know that Julian was violently vomiting in one of the front rows of the plane. And as soon as we were able to get up my friend Ana ran to the bathroom and continued to throw up. People were basically throwing up the entire way back. And when we landed we had to sit for a bit then as soon as we got up boom! Dayanara threw up all over Collin and the floor of the plane. Bright red. Luckily it was really close to me so I could see it really well. And there goes panic attack number 4. I was breaking down because I knew I would have to walk past it if I wanted to get off the plane. I felt so trapped. I wanted to forget it happened but I couldn't do that unless I was off the plane. My band teacher then told me that I shouldn't look down, I wouldn't step in it and that I was strong and could get past it. You know it's like when you're climbing a high place and get scared and someone says don't look down but you do anyways? Ya. I did that. I looked down. I burst out crying even more as I practically ran off the plane. We all had to stop at the bathroom so Collin could wash his pants and Andre could wash his bag. I went in to check my face and see how bad I looked. I was a complete mess. I had a puffy face, my eyes were bloodshot, and my face was super red to match. And I was still crying. We started to walk to where we get our luggage and I just so happened to be near my band teacher as we went down the escalator. Sarah then turned around and said, "Mr. Lawrenson, I don't feel so good. Like throw up not good." He basically just said find a trash can because we couldn't stop at anymore bathrooms. I then started to have another panic attack thinking she was going to throw up everywhere. Panic attack number 5. I went to the luggage area and stood there awkwardly. I felt like I shouldn't be crying or freaking out. I wasn't the one getting sick. Why was I crying? I felt like everyone hated me. That I should have just gotten over everything. But that's kinda hard to do when people won't stop throwing up around you. The second plane landed not long after ours and I found Amanda. I ran to her and told her everything that had been happening. I was once again met with the unwanted feeling. She started to tell me how she didn't feel good either. I started to freak out but not cry. I didn't know what to do. I had to walk away because I was afraid she might throw up. She never did but apparently she did catch pneumonia for the second time. I grabbed my luggage and texted my dad saying that he needed to be there as soon as could. I didn't want to be stuck there with people throwing up for longer than I had to be. I got in the carpool cars we were in. I was in Erin's car. Except Erin wasn't there. I was with Doran and 3 others. I don't really remember who. But I do remember they started to talk about the events that had happened. They saw I started to get uncomfortable and asked if I was one of the people to throw up. i said no I just have a major fear of it and I just had some panic attacks. They sympathized but continued their conversation. I kept hearing them talking about people throwing up and I started to cry. Doran noticed this and got everyone to stop talking about it. We all sat in silence the entire way back to out school. My dad of course wasn't there yet and I had to wait even longer. Luckily nothing happened during that time. My dad eventually showed up and I shoved my stuff in the trunk and got in the car. He started to ask how the trip went. Mind you, it's around midnight and I'm basically dead right now. 5 panic attacks do a lot to a person. I basically start yelling and freaking out telling him everything that happened with people getting sick. He just continued to drive and listen to me. I got home and went straight into my room only to have yet another panic attack because I was afraid I was going to get sick. I thought it was this 24 hour bug or some stomach flu thing that I was going to catch. I seem to have a pretty strong stomach and I didn't get sick. I'm actually going on 2 years without throwing up. I woke up around 6:30 like I normally would considering it was Monday. I turned off my alarm and continued to sleep until my dad came into my room saying we had to go and I needed to be dressed. Now whenever I cry, my eyes get super puffy the next day and I can't really see. I tried to get up and get ready but I started to cry because I felt it was unfair for me to have to go to school that day after those events. I tried to get dressed as fast as I could but I was stumbling everywhere and I was trying to put my shoes on as I was saying goodbye to my mother and she said there was no way I was going to school. I looked too destroyed. I think my brother stayed home too. I don't remember. But my dad left for work. I then went back to sleep for hours. When I woke up I explained everything to my mom and she understood why I looked the way I did. When school ended that day I texted Amanda and asked how band was. She said there was practically no one and Lawrenson basically talked about how everyone who threw up was begging for attention and that it was all forced. I don't know. I wasn't there. But here is my worst experience with Emetophobia. Now basically everyone in band and people I'm close to know about my fear. I'm now pretty open about it and I've gotten much better about talking about it. I can actually withhold conversations about throwing up. Something I couldn't do before! It's till gross but I don't cry now. I know this is a really long one but I thank everyone who made it to the end! I love you all so much and I thank everyone who read it!
I still hadn't told anyone about my Emetophobia and I never really had the reason to. The only people who knew were my family and they didn't tell anyone. I had gone through my freshman year spring trip to San Francisco and had no problems, but this one was different. We were going to fly this time. I had been on a plane one other time and that was when I visited Oregon. I'm not afraid of planes and I never feel sick on them so I didn't have a problem with it. I was just worried about other people. I tried to make sure I sat next to people who didn't have motion sickness and have been on a plane before. I ended up sitting in the middle. My friend Carlee on my right and a total stranger on my left. Note that we have a really big band but we can't all fit on one plane or bus. So we always get 2 and we all sign up for which one we want to be on. I was on bus 1 and most of my really close friends were on bus 2. So I didn't really know who sit with. I wasn't all that worried about sitting by Carlee. I knew she had motion sickness but she's ridden on planes before so I trusted that I could sit with her. I was more worried about the stranger. I didn't know who he was or how he would respond to being on a plane. I started to get really anxious until my friend Carlee started showing me things in the weird Sky Mall thing and distracting me. She didn't know I had Emetophobia but I'm pretty sure she could tell I was uneasy. Eventually the dude sitting next to me passed out and didn't wake up until we landed. So I had a safe somewhat anxious trip there. Out of what I know, no one got sick. But oh boy is that going to change.
The whole trip was going super well. It was of course only the first day but it was awesome. I don't really remember what we did but I know it ended pretty well. The next day though... We had our actual competition that day so we had to wake up pretty early and get into our concert attire. We then all got on the buses and went to our destination. Concert order was: Jazz Band, Concert Band, Wind Ensemble (<<me), lunch then our choir. Well all the bands performed and we were going to have lunch. We had Subway. c: It was really good. Haha then we left that concert hall and went to where the choir was going to perform. The choir performed and we all went back to the hotel. My roommates and I were a little slow getting to our room and when we got in, we decided we were going to step out onto our balcony-like thing. Only to find someone had vomited from their balcony onto our balcony. And my friend Carlee was oh so lucky enough to accidentally put her hand in it. I was mortified. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if I should cry, or just brush it off. My eyes started to water but I tried to hold it back. I didn't want my Emetophobia to ruin my trip. Luckily, no one noticed but inside I was dying. I wanted to burst out crying but I couldn't. I did find out later that night when we went to the pool who threw up. Thanks Gavin.
The next day we were going to Sea World. That's where we have our awards ceremony. I decided I was going to hang out with one of my bestest friends Amanda and a couple others. This is when we all started to realize that the water down in San Diego is much different from the water where we live. This is the thing we believe people got sick from. But I believe it was dehydration. It's really hot and sunny in San Diego and people were refusing to drink the water because it tasted different. Not a whole lot happened during the day. We all went on rides and enjoyed our time together. At night we had the awards ceremony and we did super good! I don't remember off the top of my head what we got. After that, we got on the buses and went to the hotel. We just hung out in our hotel room for the rest of the night and played Cards Against Humanity.
The next day was the day we go home. So we had to wake up early-ish and pack up. We all had breakfast and one of our friends (Doran) came into our room and talked to us for a little while. He talked about how our friend Cole got up in the middle of the night and threw up all over the floor. I once again felt like crying but there wasn't anything I could do. I felt so trapped. I just went into the bathroom and tried to shake it off. I was able to get over it again and go on with the day. We did all the stuff we were going to do that day than went on the buses and headed for the airport. A couple people were talking about how they didn't feel good and that was terrifying for me. I was trying to drown them out though and hope to get home as quickly as I could. We got to the airport and went straight to the luggage check place. Since there were a whole bunch of us, we had to wait in a pretty long line. I was standing next to James on my left and Doran and his now ex-girlfriend Erin. James was on the phone and I could hear him talking about how he threw up twice on one of the nights. Woo I loved hearing that conversation. I was just trying to remain calm. It didn't help though that Erin said she wasn't feeling good and had to go sit outside. This is where everything starts to spiral out of control. All of bus 1 gets through security and are sitting on the ground and chairs by the gate we're supposed to leave out of. Erin and Doran were a little slow getting through security though because Erin wasn't feeling too hot. Doran eventually walked off to get her some water when all of a sudden she throws up all over the ground. Doran sees this and runs to her as fast as she can. People are running to her and making sure she's okay while I lose it. I had enough of people throwing up on the trip. I completely broke down. No one really understood why but I just turned into a total mess. I then explained it to people through my broken breathing. I didn't want all these people around me though. I wanted them to help Erin and make sure she was okay. She was my friend too and I really wanted to make sure she was okay. But I couldn't. My brain would tell me that anytime I get near her she'll throw up. They all rushed her to the bathroom and Doran came back asking if anyone had clothing that she could wear because she threw up all over hers. They then got her the clothes she needed and she came back out to hang with us because she was on my bus/plane. I was starting to calm down from my panic attack but I was still messed up. They wheel Erin out in a wheelchair because she's too weak to walk. They place her next to the chairs and boom. She throws up all over herself and the floor again. I can't fucking take it at this point. I'm lying on the floor crying and having another panic attack. They rush Erin back to the bathroom to get her cleaned up and we giver her more clothes to borrow. People have then learned to give me my space which isn't what I needed at that time. I desperately needed someone to talk to and help me. They then wheel Erin back to where we're sitting. She gets out of the wheelchair and sits with us but this time the stupid fucks finally give her a bucket! Now she won't hurl all over the floor! The bad part though is she's sitting in the row of chairs behind where I would be sitting if I wasn't on the floor. I finally work up the courage to get up and ask her if she's all right. She says yes and I quickly run back to my spot on the floor. I feel accomplished and happy that I was able to do that even if it was like a 4 second exchange. I started to get over my second panic attack when she starts throwing up again. I fucking shot up off that floor and took off in some random direction crying my eyes out. I see that they still haven't cleaned up her previous vomit off the floor and continue to walk in a circle trying to get over my third panic attack until my band teacher sees me and stops me. I could tell he was originally going to get mad at me because I wasn't in a group of 3 but that lightened up when he saw I was crying. I told him about my Emetophobia and that I didn't know how to get over it and that walking was helping me. He said okay but that I should be safe about it. I continued to burst out crying while desperately searching for my friend Amanda. She was on the other bus so she was seated somewhere else in the airport. I managed to find the other group but I couldn't find Amanda. I decided I didn't want to look dumb so I sat next to my friend Julia and talked to her for a bit. I explained my situation and she seemed sympathetic but I think I was interrupting so I left because I felt unwanted. I eventually had to go back to my group because our plane was going to leave soon and I didn't know when that was. When I returned Erin was still vomiting and was too sick to return with us. She would have to stay in San Diego for another night. Not too long after we started boarding the plane. This was also a magical experience for me.
I got on the plane and decided to sit next to 2 friends who I knew were feeling well and could handle planes. On my left was Menley and on my right was Carlee. And about 2 rows up was my band teacher and 2 parents. Everything was going fine. Menley was listening to music and Carlee was doing her own thing. I don't remember what that was. I was sitting there thinking about the previous events. Little did I know that Julian was violently vomiting in one of the front rows of the plane. And as soon as we were able to get up my friend Ana ran to the bathroom and continued to throw up. People were basically throwing up the entire way back. And when we landed we had to sit for a bit then as soon as we got up boom! Dayanara threw up all over Collin and the floor of the plane. Bright red. Luckily it was really close to me so I could see it really well. And there goes panic attack number 4. I was breaking down because I knew I would have to walk past it if I wanted to get off the plane. I felt so trapped. I wanted to forget it happened but I couldn't do that unless I was off the plane. My band teacher then told me that I shouldn't look down, I wouldn't step in it and that I was strong and could get past it. You know it's like when you're climbing a high place and get scared and someone says don't look down but you do anyways? Ya. I did that. I looked down. I burst out crying even more as I practically ran off the plane. We all had to stop at the bathroom so Collin could wash his pants and Andre could wash his bag. I went in to check my face and see how bad I looked. I was a complete mess. I had a puffy face, my eyes were bloodshot, and my face was super red to match. And I was still crying. We started to walk to where we get our luggage and I just so happened to be near my band teacher as we went down the escalator. Sarah then turned around and said, "Mr. Lawrenson, I don't feel so good. Like throw up not good." He basically just said find a trash can because we couldn't stop at anymore bathrooms. I then started to have another panic attack thinking she was going to throw up everywhere. Panic attack number 5. I went to the luggage area and stood there awkwardly. I felt like I shouldn't be crying or freaking out. I wasn't the one getting sick. Why was I crying? I felt like everyone hated me. That I should have just gotten over everything. But that's kinda hard to do when people won't stop throwing up around you. The second plane landed not long after ours and I found Amanda. I ran to her and told her everything that had been happening. I was once again met with the unwanted feeling. She started to tell me how she didn't feel good either. I started to freak out but not cry. I didn't know what to do. I had to walk away because I was afraid she might throw up. She never did but apparently she did catch pneumonia for the second time. I grabbed my luggage and texted my dad saying that he needed to be there as soon as could. I didn't want to be stuck there with people throwing up for longer than I had to be. I got in the carpool cars we were in. I was in Erin's car. Except Erin wasn't there. I was with Doran and 3 others. I don't really remember who. But I do remember they started to talk about the events that had happened. They saw I started to get uncomfortable and asked if I was one of the people to throw up. i said no I just have a major fear of it and I just had some panic attacks. They sympathized but continued their conversation. I kept hearing them talking about people throwing up and I started to cry. Doran noticed this and got everyone to stop talking about it. We all sat in silence the entire way back to out school. My dad of course wasn't there yet and I had to wait even longer. Luckily nothing happened during that time. My dad eventually showed up and I shoved my stuff in the trunk and got in the car. He started to ask how the trip went. Mind you, it's around midnight and I'm basically dead right now. 5 panic attacks do a lot to a person. I basically start yelling and freaking out telling him everything that happened with people getting sick. He just continued to drive and listen to me. I got home and went straight into my room only to have yet another panic attack because I was afraid I was going to get sick. I thought it was this 24 hour bug or some stomach flu thing that I was going to catch. I seem to have a pretty strong stomach and I didn't get sick. I'm actually going on 2 years without throwing up. I woke up around 6:30 like I normally would considering it was Monday. I turned off my alarm and continued to sleep until my dad came into my room saying we had to go and I needed to be dressed. Now whenever I cry, my eyes get super puffy the next day and I can't really see. I tried to get up and get ready but I started to cry because I felt it was unfair for me to have to go to school that day after those events. I tried to get dressed as fast as I could but I was stumbling everywhere and I was trying to put my shoes on as I was saying goodbye to my mother and she said there was no way I was going to school. I looked too destroyed. I think my brother stayed home too. I don't remember. But my dad left for work. I then went back to sleep for hours. When I woke up I explained everything to my mom and she understood why I looked the way I did. When school ended that day I texted Amanda and asked how band was. She said there was practically no one and Lawrenson basically talked about how everyone who threw up was begging for attention and that it was all forced. I don't know. I wasn't there. But here is my worst experience with Emetophobia. Now basically everyone in band and people I'm close to know about my fear. I'm now pretty open about it and I've gotten much better about talking about it. I can actually withhold conversations about throwing up. Something I couldn't do before! It's till gross but I don't cry now. I know this is a really long one but I thank everyone who made it to the end! I love you all so much and I thank everyone who read it!
Friday, June 19, 2015
Alone
Have you ever just felt so alone? I get that a lot with my Emetophobia. I know I said in the last post that I was going to talk about my worst experience with it but this kinda came up first. I've had this feeling a lot throughout the years and I usually just push it aside but sometimes it really gets to me; kinda like today. Earlier I was watching an episode with my brother. It was The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack "How The West Was Fun". (I'm sorry the screen is up a little bit on the video but it's because of copyright. There also is vomit so be careful). We remembered watching that as kids and thought it would be cool to watch it again. It was everything I remembered. Funny and only slightly scarring. But during the episode they do drink sea water and start to hallucinate. I was trying to go back into the emptiness that is my mind and remember if they throw up or not. I couldn't really remember so I decided to ask my brother. He just said "Nah, you're good." and continued to watch. We did get to a point where Flapjack does throw up and even though you don't see it, it's still heard. (So if you have Emetophobia I would suggest you don't watch it). I started to freak out a bit but not a whole lot. I then looked at my brother and jokingly said "You lied". He then started to talk about how he doesn't care, he isn't the one with emetophobia, and that he shouldn't be held responsible for anything. I of course don't blame him for not remembering. We saw the episode a long time ago, how was he supposed to remember? So I wasn't actually mad at him but he started to talk about how I should get over it and stuff like that. And that's what brought me here. Sitting once again and just thinking about how alone I am. This fear is an uncommon one so no one seems to understand what you're going through and no one wants to understand either. It's so hard being around my friends because they don't understand how someone can be so terrified over something so natural. I don't want them to filter their language because of me. It just makes me feel so bad. I'm trying to get better. I don't want to be an inconvenience to them. I've only cried in front of them 3 times. My worst experience and 2 times my band teacher made me cry. Band is a big part of my life and that's where I spend most of my time. So most, if not all of my friends are there. After summer, I'll be going into my fourth year in high school band both terms. Which means I see my band teacher everyday for about 4 years. And even more if you do extra stuff like Drumline. (Which I do). So my teacher gets to know his students pretty well and he didn't really know I have Emetophobia until my sophomore year on the Spring Trip. (<<My worst experience. I'll explain later.) Even then, he still forgets. Well one day my junior year, he started talking about throwing up. I don't quite remember how we got on the subject. But when he brings it up I usually just say, "Why?" and look down. He usually never hears me but this time he did. He kinda gave me a puzzled look. I tried to explain to him how I have Emetophobia and that I told him that the previous year. He then continued to talk about it and make gagging sounds. My friends started to see me break down. They told him if he didn't stop he would make me cry. At this time I had green hair so he said my hair looked like someone threw up on my head. I broke down crying and left the room. I sat in the hallway for 10 minutes and cried until someone came out and told me to go inside. I eventually calmed down on my own but I looked like a mess. Puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks, and my voice was shaky. Months went by and he managed to make me cry again. I don't really remember what happened this time. But I ended up sitting in the hallway again. I feel bad every time this happens. I don't want to cry about it. Every time I get triggered, tears just start to flow from my eyes. I just want someone to talk with about this. Someone who has the same fear. I've found one other person with Emetophobia but it turned out they actually didn't. I'm tired of making people feel bad for me. I just wish I didn't have Emetophobia. It's so life controlling. I just want to live my life. I thank you all who made it to the end and I hope this wasn't too boring. I'll try to write about my worst experience next. Talk to you later.
Monday, June 15, 2015
Emetophobia (WARNING! May have triggers!)
Hey guys! I know it's been a really long time since I last posted but I'm really sorry and I hope this post makes up for it. This is a fairly personal entry talking about my experiences with Emetophobia and how I got it. Some things may be considered triggering so please, read at your own risk. And please know that I in no way want to trigger you.
For starters, I though I'd explain what Emetophobia is. Emetophobia is an intense fear of vomiting. Now, that definition may vary from person to person. And no one really knows where it comes from. It's usually from a traumatic event having to do with you getting sick or someone you know. Not a whole bunch of people have this so sadly, not a lot of research has gone into it. Making it difficult for people who do have it to find help. I get that no one really enjoys throwing up, but for some people, there is a certain anxiety that can come with it. And just about anything can be a trigger. People who do have this fear can become controlled by it. It makes your daily life difficult. It sucks living in constant fear of someone throwing up. Even someone just saying "my stomach hurts," or "I don't feel good" can be a nightmare for you. It's hard to interact with other people for fear of them talking about it, or one of them getting sick.
My Emetophobia came from a very young age. I was born in 1998 and my brother was born in 2000. My mother had a totally smooth birth with me. Everything went perfectly fine. But things were a little different with my brother. He decided he wanted to go out backwards causing my mom to have a C Section. My mom ended up having to stay in the hospital for a long time because she got really sick. After about a month or so, she was finally able to go home. Well she was still sick. She was constantly throwing up, and gagging. And just ya. Really triggering stuff. I was only 2 at the time so to me, it was just her being really sick. (NOTE: I do not blame my mom in any way. It's not her fault) I then grew older. I started to realize that I was very sensitive when it came to people getting sick, including myself. I would always plug my ears so I wouldn't have to hear anything but I never knew I had a fear of it. Whenever I would personally get sick, I would get really panicky. I would rock back and forth and constantly say "Oh no" to myself over and over again. I still just thought it was me hating getting sick. I would then start to memorize where people got sick in movies so I could leave the room or plug my ears and close my eyes. One example that sticks out is in Spirited Away. I used to watch that all the time and I would always leave the room when No Face got sick. No one ever knew it was because he threw up but I did. I refused to tell anyone. It was like this embarrassing secret I had to keep hidden. I would then keep watching movies hoping that no one would get sick. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I realized I had Emetophobia. I was in my Cardio/Health class when my teacher put on Super Size Me. I had seen this before and knew there was vomiting in it. So naturally, when it was about to happen, I plugged my ears and stared at the ground. Little did I know, my teacher was a total quack and thinks it's hilarious when people throw up. He absolutely loves it. So he decided to rewind it and watch it over and over again. I was staring at the ground for the longest time until my friend tapped me and asked why I wasn't watching. I just said I had a headache. After school I went home and looked up "fear of people vomiting." I then found out that it was an actual thing and that I wasn't totally crazy. I still refused to tell people that I had this irrational fear about something completely natural that no one can really control. It wasn't until my dad made me watch Jackass when I had my first panic attack because of it. I remember asking my dad if there was vomiting in it and he said yes. This of course made me very uncomfortable so I asked if he knew where. He said he kind of did. So I asked if we could skip over those parts. He was confused but agreed. I can still remember it perfectly. He forgot where one was. I burst out crying and had to leave the room. I was having a panic attack. I didn't know what to do so I just sat in my room crying and freaking out until my dad called me back into his room. I then told him about my Emetophobia and he listened but I don't think he really understood considering he made me watch the rest of the movie. This left me with the worst anxiety ever. I was all teary eyed and terrified that he'd forget and I'd see someone throw up again. I luckily made it threw the movie without seeing anyone get sick but a couple years later he thought he'd try and show me Jackass 3D. I ran out of the room crying before the movie even started. As soon as Beavis and Butthead said something about seeing the Jackasses like never before I was out. My dad tried to get me to go back into his room but I refused this time unless we watched something else. Which we did. My family still have had a hard time trying to learn about my fear. Whenever we'd all watch a movie together and someone even mentioned vomiting or someone did get sick I would cry. I was then told to get over it multiple times. I wish it was that simple. But they've kinda learned to ask me if I'm clear to watch a certain movie or not. I found this really awesome website that will tell you if a certain movie has vomiting in it. It's called Kids In Mind and it has helped me so much. Just search for what movie you want, (sadly it doesn't have all movies) click on it and scroll down to the section that says Violence and Gore. You may have to read a bit to find it. And if it doesn't say anything, than you're good! I hope this really helps you! But back to the story. I've only had a couple panic attacks since then and only one of them was severe. And I luckily haven't thrown up in over a year going on 2. Haha my body has found a way around that... If you get what I'm saying. (<<gross)
I really hope this has let you get to know me a bit better. And once again, I'm really sorry that it's been so long since I last posted. I thank everyone who made it to the end and for my next post I may talk about my most traumatic experience with Emetophobia. Bye. c:
For starters, I though I'd explain what Emetophobia is. Emetophobia is an intense fear of vomiting. Now, that definition may vary from person to person. And no one really knows where it comes from. It's usually from a traumatic event having to do with you getting sick or someone you know. Not a whole bunch of people have this so sadly, not a lot of research has gone into it. Making it difficult for people who do have it to find help. I get that no one really enjoys throwing up, but for some people, there is a certain anxiety that can come with it. And just about anything can be a trigger. People who do have this fear can become controlled by it. It makes your daily life difficult. It sucks living in constant fear of someone throwing up. Even someone just saying "my stomach hurts," or "I don't feel good" can be a nightmare for you. It's hard to interact with other people for fear of them talking about it, or one of them getting sick.
My Emetophobia came from a very young age. I was born in 1998 and my brother was born in 2000. My mother had a totally smooth birth with me. Everything went perfectly fine. But things were a little different with my brother. He decided he wanted to go out backwards causing my mom to have a C Section. My mom ended up having to stay in the hospital for a long time because she got really sick. After about a month or so, she was finally able to go home. Well she was still sick. She was constantly throwing up, and gagging. And just ya. Really triggering stuff. I was only 2 at the time so to me, it was just her being really sick. (NOTE: I do not blame my mom in any way. It's not her fault) I then grew older. I started to realize that I was very sensitive when it came to people getting sick, including myself. I would always plug my ears so I wouldn't have to hear anything but I never knew I had a fear of it. Whenever I would personally get sick, I would get really panicky. I would rock back and forth and constantly say "Oh no" to myself over and over again. I still just thought it was me hating getting sick. I would then start to memorize where people got sick in movies so I could leave the room or plug my ears and close my eyes. One example that sticks out is in Spirited Away. I used to watch that all the time and I would always leave the room when No Face got sick. No one ever knew it was because he threw up but I did. I refused to tell anyone. It was like this embarrassing secret I had to keep hidden. I would then keep watching movies hoping that no one would get sick. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I realized I had Emetophobia. I was in my Cardio/Health class when my teacher put on Super Size Me. I had seen this before and knew there was vomiting in it. So naturally, when it was about to happen, I plugged my ears and stared at the ground. Little did I know, my teacher was a total quack and thinks it's hilarious when people throw up. He absolutely loves it. So he decided to rewind it and watch it over and over again. I was staring at the ground for the longest time until my friend tapped me and asked why I wasn't watching. I just said I had a headache. After school I went home and looked up "fear of people vomiting." I then found out that it was an actual thing and that I wasn't totally crazy. I still refused to tell people that I had this irrational fear about something completely natural that no one can really control. It wasn't until my dad made me watch Jackass when I had my first panic attack because of it. I remember asking my dad if there was vomiting in it and he said yes. This of course made me very uncomfortable so I asked if he knew where. He said he kind of did. So I asked if we could skip over those parts. He was confused but agreed. I can still remember it perfectly. He forgot where one was. I burst out crying and had to leave the room. I was having a panic attack. I didn't know what to do so I just sat in my room crying and freaking out until my dad called me back into his room. I then told him about my Emetophobia and he listened but I don't think he really understood considering he made me watch the rest of the movie. This left me with the worst anxiety ever. I was all teary eyed and terrified that he'd forget and I'd see someone throw up again. I luckily made it threw the movie without seeing anyone get sick but a couple years later he thought he'd try and show me Jackass 3D. I ran out of the room crying before the movie even started. As soon as Beavis and Butthead said something about seeing the Jackasses like never before I was out. My dad tried to get me to go back into his room but I refused this time unless we watched something else. Which we did. My family still have had a hard time trying to learn about my fear. Whenever we'd all watch a movie together and someone even mentioned vomiting or someone did get sick I would cry. I was then told to get over it multiple times. I wish it was that simple. But they've kinda learned to ask me if I'm clear to watch a certain movie or not. I found this really awesome website that will tell you if a certain movie has vomiting in it. It's called Kids In Mind and it has helped me so much. Just search for what movie you want, (sadly it doesn't have all movies) click on it and scroll down to the section that says Violence and Gore. You may have to read a bit to find it. And if it doesn't say anything, than you're good! I hope this really helps you! But back to the story. I've only had a couple panic attacks since then and only one of them was severe. And I luckily haven't thrown up in over a year going on 2. Haha my body has found a way around that... If you get what I'm saying. (<<gross)
I really hope this has let you get to know me a bit better. And once again, I'm really sorry that it's been so long since I last posted. I thank everyone who made it to the end and for my next post I may talk about my most traumatic experience with Emetophobia. Bye. c:
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