Living With Emetophobia

     Hey everyone! I hope you all had an amazing Father's Day! Today I wanted to talk about what it's like living with Emetophobia. It's not as difficult or as easy as you would think. At quick glance, you can't tell the difference between someone who has Emetophobia and someone who doesn't. It's all in the way they act. Most of them have some anxiety and panic disorders. They tend to be more on edge and aware of their surroundings. When sitting in a room they may look around and see where they can go if they feel like they need to get sick or if someone else does. I know when I'm in a classroom I like to look around and find the trash can. I then mark it in my mind and see if there is a way I can avoid it if someone gets sick in it. So for example, my old math class. It was on of the few math classrooms that only had one door and there happened to be a trash can right next to it. So if someone was getting sick in it, I wouldn't be able to exit through the door because I'd be too panicky. My next instinct was to check the windows. There were about 6 windows lining the right side of the room but 2 of them were being covered by a bookshelf. I then noticed that the 2 windows closest to me had iron bars on the outside of them so I wouldn't be able to get threw them. I decided the other 2 were my only option of getting out if someone was throwing up in that trash can. I'm not too sure if other people do that or if it's just me though.
     Another thing I'm known to do is constantly check and see if something is okay for me to watch. I've already talk about how I found an awesome site that tells me if someone gets sick in a movie and that has been a total lifesaver! I used to have to rely on my dad's memory and a lot of the time that lets me down. I know he doesn't mean to give me a panic attack, it's just hard to remember sometimes. Especially because he likes to show us stuff from his childhood and I highly doubt he's going to remember something from like 30 years ago. (He's 39 by the way). So ya, that site has been amazing. The only thing is it doesn't help me with TV shows. So I try to be very careful with what shows I watch but sometimes it catches me off guard. I can usually tell when someone might get sick because I'm super sensitive to the warning signs but sometimes it gets me. Like I was binge watching the show Attack on Titan and at one point someone just randomly throws up. My brother had seen that episode before so I once again trusted that he would tell me but he also forgot. It happens man. I cried a little bit but I kept watching the show because my brother kept yelling at me and said it was my fault because I took too long to watch it. I also used to watch Total Drama Island all the time. I never had a problem with people getting sick in it because I knew it was fake but as my fear progressively started to get worse, I wasn't able to watch it anymore. I slowly started to get back into it again and now I'm attempting to watch Total Drama Pahkitew Island but it's hard for me. I'm not quite watching them in order because my brother is trying to get me to watch the ones he knows for sure no one gets sick in. So my Emetophobia has made it hard for me to enjoy shows I used to be really in to.
     It's also really hard for me to hang out with friends and family. Vomiting is very uncontrollable and unpredictable. That's what really gets to me. I can constantly see someone getting sick on or around me. I'll be standing with a group of friends and my mind will start to go into panic mode. I'll be able to sit there and play out a scenario where they get sick everywhere. That's usually when I walk away. It tends to confuse my friends but I think they get it after a while. I also have 2 friends who like to smoke and drink a lot. Meaning they like to talk about how often they get super drunk and throw up everywhere. I usually check out at those times but sometimes I just leave because I don't know what else to do. I also don't go out with friends all too often. I tend to miss some really awesome oppurtunities because of it but I guess it's alright. I'm kinda used to it at this point.
     I thank all who made it to the end! I'm running out of stuff to write about so anyone has any ideas that would be great! I'm also here to answer any questions. Just comment and I'll totally get to it! Thanks so much!

Never Check Emetophobia Tag On Tumblr!

Today I'm going to be talking about the Emetophobia tag on Tumblr. I went on it one day hoping to find help or someone who understands what I've been going through but that's not at all what I found. Instead I found photos and gifs of people actually vomiting. Under the tag Emetophobia. Which to most people means, a fear of vomiting. Not enjoying every second of it. I went into another panic attack. I didn't know what to do. I tried to go to a place where I thought i could get help but all I found were things triggering me. I saw stuff that I remembered seeing when I had my first panic attack. The stupid Fart mask thing in Jackass. I just don't understand and I just wanted to help. I don't know where to go or what to do. I'm just really lost. Thanks for reading this and I'm really sorry it's so short. I just needed to get this out there.

Alone

Have you ever just felt so alone? I get that a lot with my Emetophobia. I know I said in the last post that I was going to talk about my worst experience with it but this kinda came up first. I've had this feeling a lot throughout the years and I usually just push it aside but sometimes it really gets to me; kinda like today. Earlier I was watching an episode with my brother. It was The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack "How The West Was Fun". (I'm sorry the screen is up a little bit on the video but it's because of copyright. There also is vomit so be careful). We remembered watching that as kids and thought it would be cool to watch it again. It was everything I remembered. Funny and only slightly scarring. But during the episode they do drink sea water and start to hallucinate. I was trying to go back into the emptiness that is my mind and remember if they throw up or not. I couldn't really remember so I decided to ask my brother. He just said "Nah, you're good." and continued to watch. We did get to a point where Flapjack does throw up and even though you don't see it, it's still heard. (So if you have Emetophobia I would suggest you don't watch it). I started to freak out a bit but not a whole lot. I then looked at my brother and jokingly said "You lied". He then started to talk about how he doesn't care, he isn't the one with emetophobia, and that he shouldn't be held responsible for anything. I of course don't blame him for not remembering. We saw the episode a long time ago, how was he supposed to remember? So I wasn't actually mad at him but he started to talk about how I should get over it and stuff like that. And that's what brought me here. Sitting once again and just thinking about how alone I am. This fear is an uncommon one so no one seems to understand what you're going through and no one wants to understand either. It's so hard being around my friends because they don't understand how someone can be so terrified over something so natural. I don't want them to filter their language because of me. It just makes me feel so bad. I'm trying to get better. I don't want to be an inconvenience to them. I've only cried in front of them 3 times. My worst experience and 2 times my band teacher made me cry. Band is a big part of my life and that's where I spend most of my time. So most, if not all of my friends are there. After summer, I'll be going into my fourth year in high school band both terms. Which means I see my band teacher everyday for about 4 years. And even more if you do extra stuff like Drumline. (Which I do). So my teacher gets to know his students pretty well and he didn't really know I have Emetophobia until my sophomore year on the Spring Trip. (<<My worst experience. I'll explain later.) Even then, he still forgets. Well one day my junior year, he started talking about throwing up. I don't quite remember how we got on the subject. But when he brings it up I usually just say, "Why?" and look down. He usually never hears me but this time he did. He kinda gave me a puzzled look. I tried to explain to him how I have Emetophobia and that I told him that the previous year. He then continued to talk about it and make gagging sounds. My friends started to see me break down. They told him if he didn't stop he would make me cry. At this time I had green hair so he said my hair looked like someone threw up on my head. I broke down crying and left the room. I sat in the hallway for 10 minutes and cried until someone came out and told me to go inside. I eventually calmed down on my own but I looked like a mess. Puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks, and my voice was shaky. Months went by and he managed to make me cry again. I don't really remember what happened this time. But I ended up sitting in the hallway again. I feel bad every time this happens. I don't want to cry about it. Every time I get triggered, tears just start to flow from my eyes. I just want someone to talk with about this. Someone who has the same fear. I've found one other person with Emetophobia but it turned out they actually didn't. I'm tired of making people feel bad for me. I just wish I didn't have Emetophobia. It's so life controlling. I just want to live my life. I thank you all who made it to the end and I hope this wasn't too boring. I'll try to write about my worst experience next. Talk to you later.

Emetophobia (WARNING! May have triggers!)

     Hey guys! I know it's been a really long time since I last posted but I'm really sorry and I hope this post makes up for it. This is a fairly personal entry talking about my experiences with Emetophobia and how I got it. Some things may be considered triggering so please, read at your own risk. And please know that I in no way want to trigger you.
     For starters, I though I'd explain what Emetophobia is. Emetophobia is an intense fear of vomiting. Now, that definition may vary from person to person. And no one really knows where it comes from. It's usually from a traumatic event having to do with you getting sick or someone you know. Not a whole bunch of people have this so sadly, not a lot of research has gone into it. Making it difficult for people who do have it to find help. I get that no one really enjoys throwing up, but for some people, there is a certain anxiety that can come with it. And just about anything can be a trigger. People who do have this fear can become controlled by it. It makes your daily life difficult. It sucks living in constant fear of someone throwing up. Even someone just saying "my stomach hurts," or "I don't feel good" can be a nightmare for you. It's hard to interact with other people for fear of them talking about it, or one of them getting sick.
     My Emetophobia came from a very young age. I was born in 1998 and my brother was born in 2000. My mother had a totally smooth birth with me. Everything went perfectly fine. But things were a little different with my brother. He decided he wanted to go out backwards causing my mom to have a C Section. My mom ended up having to stay in the hospital for a long time because she got really sick. After about a month or so, she was finally able to go home. Well she was still sick. She was constantly throwing up, and gagging. And just ya. Really triggering stuff. I was only 2 at the time so to me, it was just her being really sick. (NOTE: I do not blame my mom in any way. It's not her fault) I then grew older. I started to realize that I was very sensitive when it came to people getting sick, including myself. I would always plug my ears so I wouldn't have to hear anything but I never knew I had a fear of it. Whenever I would personally get sick, I would get really panicky. I would rock back and forth and constantly say "Oh no" to myself over and over again. I still just thought it was me hating getting sick. I would then start to memorize where people got sick in movies so I could leave the room or plug my ears and close my eyes. One example that sticks out is in Spirited Away. I used to watch that all the time and I would always leave the room when No Face got sick. No one ever knew it was because he threw up but I did. I refused to tell anyone. It was like this embarrassing secret I had to keep hidden. I would then keep watching movies hoping that no one would get sick. It wasn't until my freshman year of high school that I realized I had Emetophobia. I was in my Cardio/Health class when my teacher put on Super Size Me. I had seen this before and knew there was vomiting in it. So naturally, when it was about to happen, I plugged my ears and stared at the ground. Little did I know, my teacher was a total quack and thinks it's hilarious when people throw up. He absolutely loves it. So he decided to rewind it and watch it over and over again. I was staring at the ground for the longest time until my friend tapped me and asked why I wasn't watching. I just said I had a headache. After school I went home and looked up "fear of people vomiting." I then found out that it was an actual thing and that I wasn't totally crazy. I still refused to tell people that I had this irrational fear about something completely natural that no one can really control. It wasn't until my dad made me watch Jackass when I had my first panic attack because of it. I remember asking my dad if there was vomiting in it and he said yes. This of course made me very uncomfortable so I asked if he knew where. He said he kind of did. So I asked if we could skip over those parts. He was confused but agreed. I can still remember it perfectly. He forgot where one was. I burst out crying and had to leave the room. I was having a panic attack. I didn't know what to do so I just sat in my room crying and freaking out until my dad called me back into his room. I then told him about my Emetophobia and he listened but I don't think he really understood considering he made me watch the rest of the movie. This left me with the worst anxiety ever. I was all teary eyed and terrified that he'd forget and I'd see someone throw up again. I luckily made it threw the movie without seeing anyone get sick but a couple years later he thought he'd try and show me Jackass 3D. I ran out of the room crying before the movie even started. As soon as Beavis and Butthead said something about seeing the Jackasses like never before I was out. My dad tried to get me to go back into his room but I refused this time unless we watched something else. Which we did. My family still have had a hard time trying to learn about my fear. Whenever we'd all watch a movie together and someone even mentioned vomiting or someone did get sick I would cry. I was then told to get over it multiple times. I wish it was that simple. But they've kinda learned to ask me if I'm clear to watch a certain movie or not. I found this really awesome website that will tell you if a certain movie has vomiting in it. It's called Kids In Mind and it has helped me so much. Just search for what movie you want, (sadly it doesn't have all movies) click on it and scroll down to the section that says Violence and Gore. You may have to read a bit to find it. And if it doesn't say anything, than you're good! I hope this really helps you! But back to the story. I've only had a couple panic attacks since then and only one of them was severe. And I luckily haven't thrown up in over a year going on 2. Haha my body has found a way around that... If you get what I'm saying. (<<gross)
     I really hope this has let you get to know me a bit better. And once again, I'm really sorry that it's been so long since I last posted. I thank everyone who made it to the end and for my next post I may talk about my most traumatic experience with Emetophobia. Bye. c: