Alone

Have you ever just felt so alone? I get that a lot with my Emetophobia. I know I said in the last post that I was going to talk about my worst experience with it but this kinda came up first. I've had this feeling a lot throughout the years and I usually just push it aside but sometimes it really gets to me; kinda like today. Earlier I was watching an episode with my brother. It was The Marvelous Misadventures of Flapjack "How The West Was Fun". (I'm sorry the screen is up a little bit on the video but it's because of copyright. There also is vomit so be careful). We remembered watching that as kids and thought it would be cool to watch it again. It was everything I remembered. Funny and only slightly scarring. But during the episode they do drink sea water and start to hallucinate. I was trying to go back into the emptiness that is my mind and remember if they throw up or not. I couldn't really remember so I decided to ask my brother. He just said "Nah, you're good." and continued to watch. We did get to a point where Flapjack does throw up and even though you don't see it, it's still heard. (So if you have Emetophobia I would suggest you don't watch it). I started to freak out a bit but not a whole lot. I then looked at my brother and jokingly said "You lied". He then started to talk about how he doesn't care, he isn't the one with emetophobia, and that he shouldn't be held responsible for anything. I of course don't blame him for not remembering. We saw the episode a long time ago, how was he supposed to remember? So I wasn't actually mad at him but he started to talk about how I should get over it and stuff like that. And that's what brought me here. Sitting once again and just thinking about how alone I am. This fear is an uncommon one so no one seems to understand what you're going through and no one wants to understand either. It's so hard being around my friends because they don't understand how someone can be so terrified over something so natural. I don't want them to filter their language because of me. It just makes me feel so bad. I'm trying to get better. I don't want to be an inconvenience to them. I've only cried in front of them 3 times. My worst experience and 2 times my band teacher made me cry. Band is a big part of my life and that's where I spend most of my time. So most, if not all of my friends are there. After summer, I'll be going into my fourth year in high school band both terms. Which means I see my band teacher everyday for about 4 years. And even more if you do extra stuff like Drumline. (Which I do). So my teacher gets to know his students pretty well and he didn't really know I have Emetophobia until my sophomore year on the Spring Trip. (<<My worst experience. I'll explain later.) Even then, he still forgets. Well one day my junior year, he started talking about throwing up. I don't quite remember how we got on the subject. But when he brings it up I usually just say, "Why?" and look down. He usually never hears me but this time he did. He kinda gave me a puzzled look. I tried to explain to him how I have Emetophobia and that I told him that the previous year. He then continued to talk about it and make gagging sounds. My friends started to see me break down. They told him if he didn't stop he would make me cry. At this time I had green hair so he said my hair looked like someone threw up on my head. I broke down crying and left the room. I sat in the hallway for 10 minutes and cried until someone came out and told me to go inside. I eventually calmed down on my own but I looked like a mess. Puffy eyes, tear stained cheeks, and my voice was shaky. Months went by and he managed to make me cry again. I don't really remember what happened this time. But I ended up sitting in the hallway again. I feel bad every time this happens. I don't want to cry about it. Every time I get triggered, tears just start to flow from my eyes. I just want someone to talk with about this. Someone who has the same fear. I've found one other person with Emetophobia but it turned out they actually didn't. I'm tired of making people feel bad for me. I just wish I didn't have Emetophobia. It's so life controlling. I just want to live my life. I thank you all who made it to the end and I hope this wasn't too boring. I'll try to write about my worst experience next. Talk to you later.